I was in the seven month since I broke up with my lady. We all had not expected it to end the way it ended considering the effort we put into it in the beginning and how we have grown into, in the two and half years the relationship lasted. I loved her and she loved me back. Our parents gave their full support and backing to the whole relationship. In the church, we were the talk on the lips of everyone. We set ourselves standards and principles on which we were to model the relationship to bring glory to God. We worked hard in the first two years to be the perfect partners that we were supposed to be and an example to many other young ones who will enter or had entered into a relationship. My lady was gifted with counselling especially on relationship issues and was a prospective candidate to be a good and a professional counselor. This could explain why our relationship was one out of the world. I was privileged myself also to be leading a singles ministry and our flame and passion for each other could simply not be quenched by an avenging flood of water. We made love so beautiful to uphold and promised our ourselves to be the best couple. At a point, death seemed to be the only thing that could separate us.
What many thought would be a wonderful union would disappointingly not see the light of reality. The flower would not blossom into a garden. The love flame quenched by a volcano. We were not destined to be together after all, no matter the energy, passion we exhibited. That was the sad part of it. She loved me with all her heart and she perfectly had no doubt of mine also.
My first adventure as a young adult came with her and an experience worth the risk at that time. I don’t think i will have such same experience again in my life. Memories are sweet and my memories of my first love had to take me a good one year to banish in order to look into the future and love again. Yes! I have to love again. I had to believe love still existed for me despite this difficult experience of having to see pebbles out of honey. I held on to the hope that love will find me a better person and into the arms of a different person.
One year of disinterest in any kind of relationship despite my believe was to honour a lady who was my very first and had given her the promise and assurance of marriage. We were almost at that point.We were joined together. To be able to love another person, I needed to get off the hook of intimacy that had existed and become part of my life. The mental pictures of sweet days, wonderful conversations and vision of a life together. All I wanted to do within this one year was to do well to live beyond the sweet and wonderful times I spent with my ex. I never thought that word would be associated with me but I was tagged one. There were days when we were blinded by the force of love we rejected that we would ever go separate. No wonder in my poem, ‘Love’, I say love is the cardinal of madness.
No one in the church knew about our break up. Infact, they were awaiting on me to return from my studies to inform them about our marriage plan. Even my father and mother were not in support of my decision and thought my reason or excuse was too feeble to come from a person of my nature. But what could they do? They had to respect my decision especially my sick father. On many occasions I had told him to get well so we talked about it. Finally, when we sat like father and son, he understood the wisdom in my reason. My best friends could not hold their breathe when they discovered.
Obviously, knowing how we had began and progressing, they were disappointed in me and rightly expressed their disappointment in clear tones of anguish, pain and despondency. “You have failed us. You made us hold on to ours and you the person we all looked to could not?” They all wanted the best for me and thought she was the best.
But our thoughts and plans were not exactly the same as the Lord.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8
Some even scolded me for keeping it from them until it was virtually too late for them to intervene. I took all criticism in good faith and as lessons which would be valuable in me moving forward and finding new love.
Our last love meeting lasted for close to two hours. Was more of our final goodbye. It felt to me now as the bounced cheque and the torn exam scripts. As we sat facing each other, my heart beat terribly and she also wept bitterly. I could not behold her tears. A deep sense of regret spread over my body as I sat hands clenched to my face. Her tears spoke more than her words. Her tears were those of shattered dreams and the end of a road. I was so ashamed and sorry as she poured her heart out at my attitude in we coming to the state we found ourselves. I offered her drink but she refused. The first time, she had refused a gesture. As we rose, I thought to propose a hug but could not gather strength to utter. She was so stressed and I felt sorry. I pray instantly to God in my head to forgive me for any offence done her. In 10 days time, she called and that was the end of our love affairs. Our love has become like the deceased forever buried in the grave never to see the sunshine of life.
My heart stroke like a thunder. My heart broken like the only broken pot that served as the source of water for the home. I could not believe the sweet memories had ended so shortly.
Fear took the better part of me since that day. I lived in fear and had doubted if I could ever find another person to love me as she did and even more. Where would this person come from? Some days, I thought about how foolish I had been to see the relationship to defeat a personal philosophy I hold, “winners never quit and quitters never win.” What happened? There were days I felt sick and wished we could come back. I yearned strongly for her. Days I could wish she called and awaited on her call but none came. She stopped coming to church, so we no longer saw each other again. That was how serious things had gotten.
Knowing how addictive I was to social media, she went off Facebook and her WhatsApp became inactive. Some days, I could check to see if she was online but no. After a month and few days, I was getting myself back on my feet and the situation at home with my father’s health and my studies helped in a way for me to overcome my lost and face the reality of life. The challenge now was who shall be the next beauty Queen of my life. It was not an easy task in front of me.
I had to pray and ask God to help me through the one year healing and assessment process and that after, He should bring the right person into my life again. My ex was a good gift but I desire now someone more than good. I wanted a perfect gift.
” Every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from above….” James 1:17
In the waiting period came many trials that sought to keep me off focus and mess my life up. I was slowly falling for the flesh and losing my sense to be more responsible in waiting. I had moved into my new apartment and this young girl offered to help so I should call upon her anytime. She had challenges with her family and I took advantage to strengthen her in her walk with Christ. She had a different motive and I had to quickly come to realisation I had just few months for God to meet me through my next choice. Was I going to mess round over a free lunch or preserve my integrity for my next beauty queen? That person needed a total love and unsoiled allegiance. Sin was knocking at my door. I was strong outside but inside, I was becoming weak and loneliness was driving my urge to have someone to keep my passion of life together. I knew she was not the rightful person but as to why I was entertaining a lustful desire, was like Eve in the middle of enjoying the forbidden fruit. I knew I was not ready and in the mood for long years of dating again and perfectly knew also that this young girl was no where in sight on my love pamphlet to be treasured.
I nearly gave him but stood victorious over sin and fornication. I had to flee for issues of fornication has no age target. I could not be a victim of sin and fought my lust rather the lady. She was not the fault but rather my lust which needed to be tamed.
The time was not for child play or game of chance but serious search for a rightful person to fill the void and emptiness of a love life. Life is virtually empty and missionless without love. It is like a stranger wanting an easy escape from the desert. A life without love is a life lived in shoal. I needed one back, back from my own personal conviction that I will not stop at the centre of the road to look for another person. I had sleepless nights going into the end of my self imposed love exile.
I was not hearing from God. A man of God walked to me one day and said, “don’t worry about what you have lost, the Lord is about to bless you with a wonderful lady.”
I intensified my search. I searched at church, my work place, in the street, at night, in my mind but would find no one.
Days I slept and prayed endlessly in sleep. I needed the help of the Holy Spirit to lead me.
Today, I write so happily because my search had been fruit and I brought a good harvest home. I have found love and my finding has brought lot of changes. I would have missed her if I had fallen for the temptation when it came. It was my pass mark to landing MINE BELOVED. I want her to fully appreciate that the search for her had seen me cross rivers, cities, failed love attempts, have many sleepless nights, love proposal turndown and overcome temptation to reach my land of love. What a long love lesson.
Shall I now not enjoy the love of my youth? Woo her like the bride of the palace and cherish her like a pearl I was brought on earth to find? I speak well of my love because I love her. I write about my love because it is only the eyes that behold love that can script on tree barks its definition. I see a positive future, a future where we shall build our nest together and raise the foundation of our roof on trust, love, respect, faith, romance and ultimately on the fear of God.
How true Biblical admonition he who finds a lover. May her love comfort me in the good and in the bad. I live to tell her love story another way another day.